When I first met this girl about two years ago in a Kunming orphangage, I didn’t think her smile would become my best new year present of 2010.

A couple of days ago, I received five pictures from Flordia. I opened the email and read, “…now she is my legal daughter, would you please release the picture of her leaning at the gate…”

Immediately a girl with long hair and beautiful face came to my mind. My heart was beating so fast, my fingers were trembling when I desparately searched my photo album on my computer. As woman’s’ intuition already told me from the first look that the girl in the photo is her indeed. How amazing. Look that hairline, the lovely dimples, the eyes, the face shape…

In 2008, after of Sichuan earthquake I volunteered to teach English in one of the affected schools. Before my departure to Sichuan, on behalf of China-Europa Forum, I was assigned to a project to a Kunming orphange. One of my tasks is to visit the foster caring families in the countryside, a concept introduced to China by Robert (keep Chinese children in Chinese family). The journey was physically exhausting, but also very emotional as there were so much to take in.

When I was back in London, I wrote a little update on my blog. Soon I received an email from the States. Lieba, a mother of two children, was embarking on her adoption journey to Kunming. She asked me if by any chance that I had met ten years old girl there. Lieba herself is a director of a children education centre. In her email she told how she imagine her future dauther look like, and asked me if I could send her some pictures if I happened to take pictures of the girl she described.

Xu Qiu was the only girl around 10 who I met in that trip. But I didn’t believe at the moment, that could be her! There are so many villages in that area. The village she stayed was the last one I visited. She was very shy girl, leaning by the door of the main gate. I sent Xu Qiu’s picture, and wished the best.

A couple of days ago, I received email from Lieba with 5 pictures of her adoptive daughter. I wouldn’t believe my eyes. It is Xu Qiu ! She looks happier and more lively, like an angle. She is such a creature as if a flower has blossomed. She is a waterlily to me.

Lieba also emailed me her blog which I learned much about the happy lif her daughter’s, now called Amei. Many thanks to Lieba who turned her life into a completely different world. I am so tearful although I keep telling myself not be like a child myself. I couldn’t help it.

I am contemplating how I am going to bring the village heritage to her?

• make a profound impact
• believe that privilege and good fortune demand responsibility to others
• want to acquire social capital
• feel some guilt over their good circumstances
• driven by the inspiration of others
• want tax relief

“I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty”. John D. Rockefeller

A while ago, I missed Saharah, which left boundless myth to me. (Saharah directed by Breck Eisner and based on the best-selling book of the same name by Clive Cussler.).

On 28th August, the first release of Broken Embrace, I couldn’t afford to let it slip over my finger again.

Watching Broken Embrace is a complete 129 minutes of restless journey. The plot, the love, jealousy, the most unique is that it is about “a film in the film”. Fourteen years struggles since a car accident, the writer lost his lover, Lena and his sight. Since then he not only denied his image as a film director, but also adapted a playful pen name to be a writer. However, this doesn’t stop his love towards Lena through his book writing in the dark.

One day the local newspaper reported a famous tycoon’s death. Subsequently a man named himself X-Ray knocked on the writer’s door with a recognized voice. 14 year’s peaceful life has been broken by this strange ma.

The writer’s devoted literature agent felt guilt in the dark too. Because she thought it was her who revealed the escaped couple’s hotel telephone number to the tycoon which caused the car incident. After a brief affair with the writer before, she had a son from him, who was hidden from him and their son for years. Holding your breath only come to the end of the film, it came out that the car incident was not a plot but genuine.

Repeated shot is broken photos that recorded the romantic stories between the writer and his lover. Re-live memorial love is such a painful process, none intends to do so. However, it is so necessary to filter negative images through. In the dark Conner, wish lovers who are not struggled any more. Open our free arms, embrace the broken heart, to forgive and to love.

Starring Penelope Cruz and directed by Pedro Almodovar.

The public debate is entitled “My Word is My Bond”, which is the motto of the London Stock Exchange, implying the trust involved in financial exchanges. St. Paul’s Cathedral is a symbolic place to bring together political and spiritual leaders to respond to the current economic crisis. To kick start the event, Gordon Brown stated that St. Paul is the place to which over centuries people have come “in hope and in faith.” The whole world is observing how Gordon Brown is going to solve the current crisis.

Gordon Brown emphasized that the market needs morals, the new financial regulatory framework must reflect the shared global ethics of fairness and helping each other. He called for global society to truly respect each other’s values and identifyshared values and to act together in a cooperative and coordinated manner. At that moment, I seem to hear Gordon singing the Internationale at the alter.

“The invisible hand of the market needs the helping hand of the society”, he quoted from the Scottish philosopher Adam Smith, one of his heroes from his homeland. Morals come before the foundation of the market. Both markets and governments should be responsible for the public good including health, education and equality. He highlighted the role of the government and the importance that G20 is to agree on international rules on remuneration. The financial system has to be transparent and based on moral values.

Talking of this strategy reminded me of Ding XiaoPing’s “two hands” policy, one hand is for the economy, the other is for reform. Is Gordon saying that capitalism is reversing or following Deng’s model? The other issue is how to regulate markets with moral values. If moral values are core elements in any business or trade, would this mean all the business has to be sealed with a moral stamp? In this case, how shall we regulate morals? I wondered if Gordon is calling on all businesses to become Social Enterprises or all the businesses be badged with CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility). Is Gordon calling the global direction towards Owen’s New Lanark model, another Scotsman? However, history showed Owen’s communism to be a failure. Morality is not part of our DNA and it takes long time to grow . In the short term, it is not convincing that Gordon’s spiritual medical will cure the current illness. How to ensure the survival of moral values in the heart of market, as to this, Gordon might need help from bishops.

He said the world is facing four great challenges: financial instability, environmental deterioration, violent extremism, and extreme poverty. “None of these can be addressed by one country alone.” The world has become increasingly interdependent. “What happens anywhere could have an impact on everywhere.” At the question session he urged people to stop “blame games” as there won’t be any benefit to shifting the blame on to globalisation. He stated that the role of world leaders was to identify the need for changes in the interests of all people not for some.

He said the leaders of G20 summit must work together to help the world to “conquer fear of the future with the hope for the future.” Both Gordon Brown and Kevin Rudd thanked the youth choir in the church, and they hold great hope and faith in children. Gordon Brown also praised thousands of British schools children for raising funds for charities, in particular he was impressed by the sum raised in this year of financial downturn for Comic Relief, which wasn’t less than previous years. Gordon shared his experience with an African boy. Even as the boy suffered from aids, he dreamed of being a doctor. Gordon believes that talking to people in another continent is a big step towards change in the world, and he encouraged schools to establish further global education links. Instead of looking forward, he deliberately avoided saying sorry to children as their future has been mortgaged by him and his extravagant borrowing over the last 12 years and his incompetent handlingof the current crisis. Moral education has a long way to go. Apart from financial stimulus and tax cut, it is unclear how Gordon is going to use the spiritual medicine to cure capitalism’s tumour of greediness, selfishness and individualism. Facing global panic, is Gordon fearful of global power shifting to the emerging economies?

In his speech, Gordon Brown highlighted that G20 leaders needed to join together to fight global recession, climate changes, unemployment, insecurity, poverty and hopelessness. He also said the world should work together to fight against protectionism “which in the end protects no one.” He tried to reassure the audience that the developed countries are committed to low carbon emission, helping the poor, and the UN millennium development goals to help the poorest countries. In addition to the agreement on carbon emission including emerging markets, a financial mechanism has to be in place to help poor countries. In his words, his first duty is to “ensure no one is left behind”.. Let us watch G20 closely for his promise.

I first clicked on one media site which started to paint a gloomy picture with heaviest snow then moved on to the natural disaster of sichuan earthquake:”China’s momentous 2008– the terrible earthquake in Sichuan, which claimed as many as 90,000 lives.” I was puzzled. Am I so naive or is the media nowadays so sophisticated?

Actually I saw a different picture in Sichuan. Duriing my visit in Oct 2008, the spirit of the Sichuan children educated and touched me. There was no single moment that I would want to mentioned that damned disaster. We couldn’t do anything about the past. The important thing is looking forward. From my master-class with students, I have learnt that they all have dreams to fulfil. They want to have a decent job one day so that they would repay their toiling parents on the farm land. Shall we send our regards via media express to take the momentum of 2008 and wish their dreams come true?

What about the enormous solidarity and the wave of voluntary support being given to the victims? In Sichuan, I talked to a taxi-driver who actually transportated food and relief supplies to the disaster areas for a couple of days. I wished him good luck in 2009.

During my Sichuan trip, I saw the new building in Dujiangyan has risen to four storeys. In comparison, two years after Huuricane Katrina, during my visit in 2006, the railway line from New Orlean to the West coast  called the Golden Line, was still suspended. Because of that I had to cancel my original plan and lost one week of my holidays. I suspect this infrastructure might be handed on to Obama on 20th Jan.  But in China the new bridge that we drove cross was build within a week. Even my little niece, 11 years old girl,  wrote a small letter to Sichuan Children saying that “I can’t come along to help you yet, but uncles and aunties will be there for you. Please be strong. “  For that, we are indebted to the People’s Liberation Army’s hard but efficient help.
I’ve also talked to a NGO leader in China. Basically she didn’t think much of the credit crunch in her daily management work. I am a bit puzzled again. I thought I have learnt that we are supposed to keep things positive, one of the strategies to deal with disaster is to be resilient and change a negative situation to a positive outcome.

To further explore this issue, I followed up Dylon John’s recommendation in The Guardian about best place to go for Christmas Carols. I went to St. Bride’s Church just off Fleet Street to sense the atmosphere and  the spirit of Jesus Christ. The Christmas Carols were bit low with all the dimmed lights. I am not sure if it was just me, or whether there weren’t many happy faces in the congregation.

At the end the Vicar went on about the financial crisis. I was expecting a cheerful message to uplift the spirits of everyone looking forward the new year, like I went through so many years ago in Edinburgh ,where international people greeted and shook hands with each other, in particular to comfort those who can’t go home, with a sense of “you are not alone”. I was told that  this church is journalist oriented. I started to feel sorry for them now. Maybe too much pressure to finding negative stories every single day for the news headlines. I will make sure to prepare a new year card for the journalist too.

I turned on BBC radio. Oh my God, the credit crunch has been mentioned everywhere throughout 2008 and this is still not sufficient. Credit crunch again over the festive period and even included in Queens Christmas speech. Opening the newspaper, it is almost everywhere, the price reductions, the shop owners are facing the cold, the beginning of the freezing weather blah blah…Not again. Give me a break. I feel so depressed now. I need to go out to breath in some fresh air in Hyde Park.

I thought Jesus said God who will help those who help themselves. What is the point of moaning about the depressing issues all the way through?

Yesterday, I decided to go out for a walk before I return to work on Monday. Learning to shop is a compulsory lesson for everyone this Christmas break, enforced by the media. Arriving in Oxford Street, the mood was no different from last Christmas, there are big price drops anyway every year after Christmas. I went to a health food shop, where really good stuff remains at the same expensive price. The shoppers in general are quite happy with lots of shopping bags. While walking around, I was listening to BBC Radio 4, which started with a report on the political impact of Cuban music, a revolutionary style reflecting Chinese, African and European influences, on Cuba’s 50th anniversary.  I felt quite relaxed when listening to the music, and couldn’t help dancing. Then the radio moved on to the Saturday women’s special edition, interviewing ShaDingding about her debut in London. Shadingding’s record sold more than two millions copies and she is a Chinese contemporary icon. She was asked about her cultural identity and upbringing impacting on her music career, and how her granny’s tingting musical sound shaped her musical career. It all sounded very harmonious and cozy. However, the interviewer jumped on to the political topic of Tibetan issues. Gosh, have a break please. Leave us a moment to have a people to people dialogue. The weather was getting chilly. It was a bit far to Hyde Park. I had to switch off the radio and went home on the Tube.

The passengers on the Tube looked very tired. Someone is reading the Times, again, depressing news about Russia cutting off gas supplies. Somehow I felt my mind was tortured by the media here. Shall we not take responsibility to cheer the world up, to keep a positive attitude? Let us just try for once - Obama was elected by the American people.

This reminded me at Min’s wedding. There are thousands of English kids at a Morris (English folk) dancing competition. What a glamorous thing in our life. Let us go out, switch off the news channels, dance for Chinese new year, dance to Cuba music, dance for everyone’s new year….Make sure that Mr. Media is invited to our dance party, and matched up with our dancing Queen.

A friend’s driver picked me up sharply at noon then headed to the airport for collecting Eric and Ling from Beijing. Only when two of them arrived, I started to feel a bit “revolutionary” like a red army soldier, to the mountain villages to do volunteer teaching. I also thought of the TV episode where mentioned poor sichuan people went for revolutions. My floating mind was dragged back in the business mode. Then the long hours drive made everything back in calm mood. At the transition period of end summer and early autumn, daytime it was still quite hot. From witnessing the changes of the buildings and the new highway roads, I sensed the enormous changes. After four hours drive towards southern Chengdu, we started to see the collapsed houses and actually we had to drive along a river bank because the damaged road is in repair. It wasted us almost one hour for the single traffic flow system, without traffic light control. The dust and earth were flying….. I tried to cover my poor infected nose.

When it was getting dark, we entered the mountain area. We all stopped chatting, the air was quite thick and heavy in the car, as witnessing all the collapsed mountains, houses, and earth sliding made my heart aching. We see the real “tian beng ti lie” ( sky banged Earth cracked). I started to question: Ermei, sichuan a Buddhism holy place, where is the God? It shows clearly what people suffered are in the mountain area.

We passed on a bridge. The driver Mr. Yin told us that was built by liberation army within a couple of days. Then we were amazed with the spirits, hardworking and manpower in China. We all have to take off our hat for them.

In the residential areas, we could see some light from the tents and five star(national) and party flags are in so many places. The warm slogan tried to bring hopes to the people there. Also, we could see the supports from sibling provinces. I noticed some people didn’t want to stay in the tent. I understand we all cling to a home. They just set up a tent beside the collapsed house.

On approaching, we received a phone call from the school, where the leader arranged a four star hotel for us, which was quite costly to be honest. We refused as we highlighted from the very beginning, it is a voluntary project from our self, we didn’t want to waste money and didn’t want to accept anything against our ethos. It is agreed that the school leaders would take us to the students tent.

During dinner table, we have exchanged some ideas and information in terms of the programme for the following days. The deputy head master asked us to send in more English materials, who complained of the current teaching material. I was a bit surprised, as I asked my friend to show me the current English books when I was in Beijing, actually think they are quite good and balanced teaching materials. The impression he left to me seemed that more teacher training are needed. In fact, any book/teaching materials requires a good teacher to make it alive. The approach of straight to the point might be a bit culture shock to the deputy headmaster.

In the dark, we followed a motorbike and drive up to the basin field where the school tents are located. Our car parked in the temping playground. It was quite chill. I didn’t wash myself and to prevent from the damp and cold, I slept with my heavy coat that I bought in Beijing.

New Year 2008 in Edinburgh

Shortly after gathering, mum and Rebbecca went back home when it was exactly the day that china were suffering from snow disaster. Cousin’s car lost control of turning around 360 degrees on the icy road. Mum kept praying… thank god, everyone was safe and sound.

Not having touched a car for a couple of years, it was first time to drive again, that time, with the stake of all volunteers including artists and performing costumes in my hand… so nevoursl. however, did it ! Caught by the policeman at paddington, while Tomtom asked us to turn right which actually wasn’t allowed…. so blame on tomtom…

Went to Convent Garden with friends on April food day. Was amazed with the huge man made pumpkin….

Immediately after drove the car around, went on the road with Yihuan in Ireland… fought for the line on the tram track…. dear me…

In Newby we met Sam, an Irish motorcyclist…. who traveled two years and 6 months globally on his two wheels…

Disaster month is may for the earthquake… worked so hard to raise funds to help children. Went back to Edinburgh for an auction tea function.

Attended Min’s Wedding at the smallest city in England which is called Wells… brilliant experience. Thousands of kids were dancing local traditional dance for a festive competition, Lucky min….

ming

In the mood of love

In July went to Switzerland with Yihuan…..

July 2008

July 2008

July 2008

In August I wondered about….. in the Hyde Park…

In September, called in to St. Mary’s Hosptal

Sept 2008

In Oct China trip

forbidden city in the dust Fobidden City

She asked me some personal and medical information. Then she diagnosis me with nose infection due to the air pollution. She prescripts me anti-biotic for three days, vitamin B and nose drops. In conversation, I pretended me of a return overseas chengdu person. Her communication way seems a bit welcomed home. I would expect these medicine lasting me for the rest of week. I wouldn’t want to see myself collapsed in front of students.

Then I rushed to the other side of the city ( close to French supermarket) to meet my danish friend. As arranged, I met Andrew from 1kg. The conversation brought us very close as if we have met and being friends for ages. Due to the limited time, I rushed to meet up someone from hubei, who works for Mr. Xie YingJun, from Taiwan. The lad told me very interesting model of building house for farmers by cutting off currency trade, back into the traditional concept of aggregate the commune resources.

Around 10pm, I was back in to my hotel room. Turning on the TV, it was a recount for the all the favourite songs for the 30th anniversary since 1978 (china’s open policy, reformation). Songs is the history carrying out moments of emotions, and growing up. I texted message to all the friends in Shenzhen. A chang was so emotional too to ring me immediately to have a chat. For the whole evening I found chengdu sleepless.

How are you getting on now? Sichuan Children?

My memory was replayed to my visit Oct 2008.

Day 1 - I arrived from Kunming to Chengdu airport. Due to the airpollution, I had my nose infected and had roblem in breathing. Got tempture in the airplane. On arrival, I had no engegy to wait for taxi. On that moment, a local “black”(unlicensed) taxi driver dragged my luggage to his car, I kind of followed him without engery to think more.  After he loaded my stuff in the boots, he made a call saying: “hurry up, the guest wants to go to … road… forstar hotel. ” By saying that he also opened the door to let me into the car. eh…. no, stinky dog smell in the car, filthy old carpet. All of sudden, I felt so unsecure.

All my luxury property was my computer, which is beside me all the time in my handbag. Immediately he locked the car door and disappear without saying anything to me. Gosh, in one minute, robber, hollogan, all the bad words came into my mind. I started wondering how I am going to. I tried to copy his car registration number. I opened the door, the back boots is locked. I looked around and attmpted to call for police. However, I didn’t see any soul at that moment. I went in to the car again, trying to find something in his front seat. Ah, my eyes are getting glittering. Car Keys. Then after two second, by looking the worn out key set, my instinction told me that might be a set of false keys. Anyhow,since I didn’t find anything else, at least this key has his finger print. Why not to try to open it. I tried very hard without any progress to open the boots. At that moment, I saw a middle aged man was about to open his own car. Approaching him, I asked very poliot and carefully for a faour. Without hesitate, he had thought it was my car and came out to help me. He gave it a coulple of try…. at the end, the boot was open.. brilliant. I keep thanking him. I moved my luggage out immediately. After I placed the car key back to the steering, I escaped immediately from the crime scene. I’ve heard a man’s vocie: yii… where is the luggage?” I looked back, the man was shocked when he saw the missing luggage. I waved to him at a distance…… sorry….. I have to go….. Poor next passenger was placed by him, and new passenger’s luggage in the boot too…. maybe he had to wait for another hour for him to filling in the car with another three passengers, each of them will pay him a full ammount. He started to swear to me. But who cares, I was lucky to escape. Maybe he never thought that I am holding a full UK driving license, although I looked quite weak on that day.

Day 2- Seeing Doctor and meeting Andrew - from 1kg, friend and Mr. Xie’s team ( from hubei, honghu)

Day 3 - To Pingwu- meeting school officials

A business friend arranged his driver to pick us up.

Day 4- Master Classes to Students

Day 5 - Talking to Teachers - to Mianzhu - Hanwang

Day 6- Deyang -

Day 7 - Dujiangyan

Day 8 - Chengdu - …. back to Beijing

Started a new job this Monday with Royal College of Surgeons. Friends send in loads of congratulations as if it were them that found a new job. Somehow I could understand it,given the global financial crisis. I had a very mixed feeling as if moving away from an entangled relationship within a spiderweb. I couldn’t find a proper word to express myself. Maybe that doesn’t really matter that much any more. Life goes on and life is learning. Friends around are much emotional than me. To be honest, after my home visit this year, my mind is much calmer. At least I could shrug my shoulder which I might not be able to do that before the trip. My emergency call in St. Mary alarmed me.

Back to a mainstream service, somehow it is a pride and exciting experience. But  I can’t answer yet. At least, bottom line for sure is that I am going to be treated as normal adult with respect and we will play equal part. A couple of days ago, a friend dropped me an email saying: ” find a bay, park your heart, have a rest……. I have been there, which is a heart aching with indescribable pain…” I was full of tears, for her silent friendship.

I know this Xmas is going to be very special for me. Eight years is a milestone. I will remember exact on the same day after eight years, I have been offered a job under such a bad financial crisis. There might be  some magic power shining its way towards me, of which I pray for all the way through.

Granny used to tell me when I was a little girl,”if you going to people’s house being a guest, if they offer coco cola to you without opening it, please make sure not drink it. ” I couldn’t figure out why, but now I understand the complexity of being an adult. I understand love comes with an action. Big love without sound as we Chinese say.

Life is a journey of learning. We learn as we go along. Tomorrow maybe still is raining again, but after rain, it is bound to be sunshine. Thanks for those friends are standing behind me supporting me in my journey. We Chinese say Big love always don’t make any noise. I found a western quote: A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away.
~Eva Logue